The Purple Grinch
by fights
Summary: A scandalized nativity. A chase through the snow. Slippery Ice is Slippery. A compromising position. Pre-slash. Secret Santa Fanfic Prompt #33 BatmanxJoker for BatmanxJoker LJ Community


**Title:** The Purple Grinch **[complete]**  
**Author/Artist:** Ol' Fighty (fights)  
**Fandom:** Nolanverse  
**Rating:** PG 16? For gay kissing?  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Batman or even know who does. You would think I do though by looking at my computer contents. I do own a Batman figurine, it is my Christmas tree angel. Merry Christmas.  
**Warnings:** Holiday seasons scandalized! SCANDALIZED! OH GOD! I know it was just a DOLL (and the menorah!), but I'm sorry baby Jesus. Also, kissy-kissy scene. Also cracky writing.  
**Pairing:** BatmanxJoker, Pre-slash.  
**Prompt:** 33. A scandalized nativity. A chase through the snow. Slippery Ice is Slippery. A compromising position. Pre-slash.  
**Other:** Copy-pasta from BatmanxJoker LJ Community, written for mukanshins's Secret Santa prompt. Posted on for more archival porpoises.

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_**The Purple Grinch**_

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One by one they fell.

The screech of grief heard in pure silence and anguish Gotham felt was incomparable.

The fall of Harvey Dent (whose death was caused by the Joker), the added death of his girlfriend, Rachel Dawes (also caused by the Joker) and the deaths of irreplaceable police officers of Gotham (the Joker was the perpetrator) was only the tremors of Gotham's writhing pain.

The Joker was a murderous clown who was mad as much as he was sly, but his current actions as of late had struck the very soul of Gotham.

First it was the giant menorah**[1] **that been precariously placed in a high cliff in the outskirts of the city, it's demise was a cruel struggle against man, nature and well placed traps that made it difficult to rescue the symbol once it had lost it's balance. The much loved display met it's demise falling into a lake and shattered in it's depths despite police and local attempts combined effort to save it.

As every respectable mall had a Santa Area for children to meet the iconic bearded hero, the next target was obvious but despite the attempt the crime, could not be prevented. Police intervention failed when the largest mall in Gotham suffered a grand theft.

All of the reindeer and Santa's sleigh had been stolen from the Santa meet and greet display. In it's place a carcass of a rotting, maggoty dead reindeer "pulling" a dried corpse in an urine scented refrigerator box. The area in the Santa workshop was doused is chemicals that caused the entire mall to be shut down temporarily and thousands of jobs put on hold. Despite the saddening loss of the old and beloved display, the Mall doubled it's efforts only for the situation to worsen when the sleigh arrived, on fire, crashing through the snow into the front door led by feral pigs (also on fire).

Due to the previous two attacks, the Santa Clause Parade was cancelled: dampening the spirits of parents, children and ordinary people everywhere.

The Gotham police were exhausted and pale, their efforts useless. Depression had hit an all time high, along with the job loss and flagging sales that followed. The only company that seemed to be fairing well was Bruce Wayne's Business and even then, the press that followed Mr. Wayne could only report that the famous playboy had become more sombre in his nightly activities. The magazines and gossip pages began to suffer, unable to even get the depressed pretty boy featured by any model or ballerina. Instead the headlines read, "Bruce Wayne's flagging libido: Gotham suffers" and featured "rare" photographs Gotham's favourite son "actually alone" whilst sulking and brooding.

Gordon rolled his eyes at the shiny, worn nonsense rag. "If it weren't so hard to hire good police personnel I would have fired you for wasting so of much company time."

Montoya, smirked and stuffed a doughnut in her mouth. "It's not like we can stop him, he's on a roll."

"I don't want to hear you praising the Joker's crimes, we need results not..." Gordon dropped his sentence. As of yet, there had been not one Joker related missing person or casualty, if multiple murdered animals didn't count. The dead moose was so foul, the continuos swallowing of vomit was the only thing that kept the Commissioner on his feet. Poison curing poison, as one would say.

Gordon's head swerved when he heard 'the Joker's forth strike' turned to television, "shit."

The detail and love put into the religious display was mocked, torn at the seams and lazily replicated.

The stiff body of Joseph, the mannequin, was posed in the motion of the robot. The man's poor head replaced by a donkey's head. The donkey's head replaced by nothing. Half the manger was missing and the hay sprayed pink with rotten eggs cracked and speckled all over the room.

The Joker was hunched over, hands pressed over his mouth to stifle something that threatened to burst forth. Finally when he had shoved the laughter back into his throat, he could return his gaze to the pristine, plastic child.

"Hi baby boy." The artificial baby Jesus lay on his back, wide staring up at the ceiling, his mother Mary folded over and pushed to the side. Her arms awkward and still.

For an extra act of deliquence, the Joker gave an extra kick to downed mother with a lusty shout: "Avada Kedvra!!"**[2] **

He looked back down on the lifeless husk to make sure the figure of Mary would not get in the way of his divine scheme.

Again his sporadic attention returned to the broken manger.

"Ah, ah, ah," the Joker carefully scooped the baby into his arms, only to locate the leg under the blanket and dangle the doll upside down. "Who's the cutest baby in the world?"

The Joker turned slowly, catching sight of an approaching shadow. "Batman, haven't seen yoooou—"

"Who are you?" He kissed the doll leaving a smudge of redness across it's cheek. "Damn, what's a girl got to do to get her man's attention. I have the baby, but he still denies me."**[3a]**

"I was just in the neighbourhood. Heard the noise." A tall man, black coat over black suit with slicked back black hair approached, "who are you anyway?"

"Well," the Joker tucked his doll under his arm. "I'm leaving. With the baby, and if Batman ever wants to see Baby Gotham ever again he'll have to pay the alimony. Toodles!"**[3b]**

Spry on his feet, the Joker sprung into the air, clacked his heels together and sprinted out the door baby in tow.

The bubbling emotions once bottled under Batman's mask surfaced. Bruce's eyebrow's furrowed, body already responding, legs swinging to motion.

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The series of mad footsteps in the snow that trailed after the clown were wild. Huge gaps where he had leapt and danced, they looked more like the footsteps of a drunken giraffe than a killer on a holiday high. The Joker stumbled and snickered, enjoying the fresh, undisturbed snow as much as possible. No one bothered to come around, after all, with the Joker targeting Holiday symbols, why would they. And the police were so sloooooow.

He lifted the baby in the air**[4]** to hit a tree branch to let a rain of clumpy white snow it him on the top of his head. Opening his mouth to eat some of the snow and chew as he shook his face.

The solitary clown brushed the snow off with the doll's blanket and the used the swaddling material to whip the trees around him for more snow, skipping and swinging the blanket through the forest. "IT'S SNOOOWING!!!"

"Well, it is." The Joker said to no one in particular, head sinking into his shoulders

It wasn't that it was cold, even though it was freezing cold, the Joker still wore his favourite ensemble without a jacket. His blood was surging and hot, face hot, but frost bitten by the cold, already he was regretting his lack of jacket. He looked at the poor, no longer swaddled babe and shrugged, unwrapping the babe and tying the cloth around his head like an old lady.

He raised his head, lapping a mouthful of delicate snowflakes.

It had become quiet.

So silent it made the Joker sneer.

The green haired man kicked a tree stump with his shoes and looked over to the church that looked so small behind the hill he had struggled so much to run over.

His eyes followed over to the left of the religious building, over to the fire that he had tenderly hand raised. Already the rush of firemen dousing the fire causing the smoke to shiver and thin, concentrating on the church and forgetting the true target.

No Batman yet.

He seemed kind of slow-ish after Dent's demise. Lagging behind with no spirit.

Then came the sound, the wonderful sound. The Joker's ears at the sound of pattering feet.

He took a quick glance over his shoulder and squealed, "OH BATMAN YOU DO LOVE ME!!!"

The Dark Knight flew, leaping over a snow covered fence like a reindeer, breaking several branches in the process with his full black armour. He didn't even bother punching his way through them, the Joker struggled to keep the baby as his heart began to flutter.

"Wait! Wait!" His hand furled over some scooped snow, careful not to drop the baby whose head was wedged under arm. He launched the snowball hitting Batman in the elbow that narrowly protected his face.

"Ah," he turned his heel and ran through to narrow, huge trees, that Batman hissed as he realized he could now go into due to his mass. He grabbed a hold and swung around to follow the Joker, the lithe, acrobatic clown trapezed through the trees like a... clown. "Over here-rie, MY DEAR-rie!"

The Joker paused to tease his hunter, leg bent, sliding up and down a bare maple. Sultry expression on his marred face, blackened, sunken eyes lidded in a open moan as his tongue lapped up into a mean, taunting laugh. He pushed himself off the decoy tree as the sexy gesture seemed to invigorate his nemesis, Batman seemed to attack the tree second later like a jealous lover.

The man was thinner than Batman, thin enough to weave through the thin saplings with a newborn in tow where as Batman had crashed though the young trees like an elephant in a bamboo forest.

Batman halted.

Skidding across the frozen lake like an ice skater, the Joker moved across the thin-thick ice as if he owned it. He was in motion, sliding in a slow manner. Feet together while he fumbled for the baby.

Batman toed the ice, tempting fate, looking more like a pussy cat pawing water than a masked, dark bat-knight.

"Ha-ta-ta-taahh..." The Joker's one arm splayed out as he slid on the icy lake, baby Jesus still tucked under armpit. Like a stroke of a conductor's arm, the Joker's gloved hand raised an index finger and tapped it in the air as if he would off the tip of Batman's sharp nose. "One wrong move and the baby gets it."

Batman took a step, a hesitant step.

He looked like he was concentrating, staring down at the white ice, biting his lip as his worries increased.

His enemy was making his way across the short ice in short time, despite the new snow feathering the path.

And then he stopped.

Slowly the Joker turned and cupped his mouth, shouting like a grand cheerleader.

"C'mon Batsy! Fly over that ice!"

Batman looked down again and then gathered his determination.

One foot moving nervously forward.

"THE BAAYBEEE!" The Joker hissed, shaking the inanimate un-swaddled toy whose plastic arms waved in desperation from their limp joints. "C'mon big boy! You can do it!"

And then the Joker fell.

And lay there.

And then tried to stand.

And then slipped again.

"DAMNIT!" The Joker hissed, banging the ice. Cracking it slightly. "Ah shit."

Batman had already back-stepped back onto the solid ground, watching as the broken ice began to sink under the clown. The clowns purple suit's middle already began to soak, waving a pink handkerchief and dabbing his eyes, while baby Jesus lay in the crook of his arm.

Then the purple grinch did something unexpected.

"Go far Bats," he said as he tossed the baby doll to more solid ice, closer to the hero of this story.

"Save me, Batman," the Joker managed to rasp, mouth folding into a teasing smile, before the ice gave out beneath him.

"FUCKING–" Batman dove.

The ice was cold as it was frozen, only still liquid. Batman managed to make two breast stroke and secured the Joker to his chest.

He winced, the Batsuit only made things more horrible.

Being Batman, saving villains from falling into ice was a slice of cake. It was just another annoying and tedious part of the job. He struggled close to shore cracking the ice above him and hoisting the lifeless figure above ice first, being the perfect gentleman, and pulling himself above shore and only snow covered land.

His hands darted for the Joker's chest, fingers numbed from the cold.

He couldn't sense the life in this once bouncing jester.

A concerned Batman played pretend lifeguard, face lowering close to the pale, white face.

White gloved finger wrapped around the back of Batman's head, long tongue darted inside Batman's low security lips.

The dark hero protested as the soaked leg pinned him to the tailored suit, arms wrapping around the bat.

"HOT!" Joker smacked his lips affectionately.

"Held my breath for that," Joker smirked, "thanks for saving me, babe."

He dabbed his lips on the exposed space on the side of his hero's face, the small between Batman's cowl and firmly closed lips. "Love ya lots."

Batman turned his attention to the baby. "Shit. GET DOWN!"

The water exploded where the baby doll had been, only there was no longer ice there or a safe baby doll.

"WOOHOO! That baby Jesus sure can explode, I mean, *ahem* uh..." He looked at the only other person in the forest at midnight. "That's not my fault," the clown said with a point of his index finger.

"It was," the Batman said, pausing for a deep breath of air, "the tracking device."

It got wet.

After he went through the trouble of joining the Church as Bruce Wayne to make the switch.

Baby Jesus was safe, but the Joker didn't need to know.

"Oh," the Joker's mouth said, with perfect "O" lips.

"Batman, you just killed Jesus." Pressing an imaginary microphone to his nemesis's chest. "How do you feel?"

"Cold," Batman replied in curt words.

Joker winced as the vigilante grabbed his hand, already dragging the bad clown to the police center. "You're gonna tie me up and put me-ACTCH-OOO!!"

A long trail of drool dangled from his lips as he looked up as Batman with a innocent expression.

**"ATCH-CHOOO! ATCHOOO! ATCHOOOO!"**

-

Alfred protest died when he saw how pathetic and sickly the man looked without his make-up.

"Better here than in the jail cell, harassing the orderlies and ruining Christmas by having the police care for the high class criminal," the old Butler convinced himself in a whisper.

He stayed far out of sight, but Batman was close to the madness, pressing his hand against the villain's back, coaxing a spoonful of chicken soup into the torn lips.

"Joker," Batman said in his rough Batman voice, when the spoon met the crevice of the Joker's scarred cheek.

"Nuooo..." The Joker pursed his lips and then pouted, "give me turkey."

"If you're good, Santa will give you a turkey."

"Santa's not going to give me a turkey, I'm a bad boy." The Joker said, pulling the warm sheets over his head. "Gotta hide from the law."

Rolling his eyes, Batman retreated. He needed to spend at least SOME of Christmas as Bruce Wayne and far from the chained up, more delirious than usual clown. Alfred nodded as he closed the door, careful not to expose his existence to the criminal fool.

"I know you're really Santa." The Joker said, peering from the slit of his sheets and dove back hiding from no one.

"Merry Christmas, to me and bats." The madman snuggled into the expensive sheets, "Operation Bat-Clown Christmas is a yay. I can't wait for next year."

He had bigger plans for next year, but this year was good too.

He managed to worm his way into the Batman's bed, next time.

"Next time, I'll give it to someone special." **[5]**

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_**[merry christmas]**_

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Note:  
I wrote this in the mood for a lark, I couldn't stop sniggering at parts. I don't mean to offend people for what I did to all those poor symbols of our jolly holidays. Please forgive me, my dear readers. Where is my lovely Newfoundland Beta honey when I need her! *bastardizes more things with deep after-sex regret*

Footnotes are as follows.

[1] I once saw a car with a giant menorah on it, LIKE GIANT! It inspired me to write this part. I have nothing against Hanukkah, I apologize for what happens to every religious symbol and Christmas symbol in this fic.  
[2] Writing this scene reminded me of Harry Potter, oh Volde-Joker.  
[3a] LOL "I'm 250% sure that Batman is the father of mah baby!  
[3b] Gotham IS kinda like their baby, that they fight over like separated parents.  
[4] Ahm I'm sorry, yet again. *feels immensely bad*  
[5] Last Christmas is my (one of) favourite Christmas songs.

Thank you for reading this to the end. XD I worked so hard on this fic, it is one of three fics I was working on at the same time. The third will be out after (or on) New Years! I still have 2 and a 1/2 challenges left! *clenches fists with determination*

**CHEERS!**


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